Sometime last century I dated a stewardess, pardon my age, a FLIGHT ATTENDANT, for a small regional airline. After returning from a day or two of flights, she would collapse in exhaustion bemoaning the fact that many flyers seemed to check their brains along with their luggage. And that was in the heyday of airline travel when travel, while not necessarily a glamorous luxury anymore, was at least an occasion to get kind of dressed up and put on your best behavior. She would frequently bring home leftovers from the flight including small lobster tails and filets, and bottles of Mateus Rose’. Of course the meals, even on flights as short as two hours, were served on real China plates with real silverware. Bigger airlines and longer flights commanded even more accommodations with food, entertainment, and space.
Have you flown lately? Most flights these days seem to consist of poorly-socialized, narcissistic people who think their coach fare entitles them to prioritize their own comfort and sense of entitlement to the detriment of all others. They check their brains along with their luggage. But you do get dry pretzels for free. Sometimes.
Let’s start with the advance boarding option. On a recent flight we took from Houston to Little Rock, nineteen people required the use of wheelchairs to pre-board the plane. Nineteen! Of course that delayed the boarding and take-off process since there were only four chairs available requiring five staggered loads complete with carry-ons and tag-along family members.
But folks, I’m here to tell you, a miracle occurred on that flight! When that plane arrived in Little Rock only THREE (3!) people required assistance to deplane. We should all have kissed the pilot or anointed the plane with Holy Oil or something because it was indeed a glorious sight to behold. I point this out not as an isolated incident because the same healing phenomenon has been noted by other travelers at other airports around the country. Oh, I understand. There are folks who have mobility issues not readily apparent to the casual observer, and my sympathies are with you. But nineteen to three? Yeah, I don’t think so. Would it likewise be imprudent to point out the tonnage and ethnicity of the afflicted? OK, I won’t.
Have you seen ‘gate lice?’ American Airlines, among others, is testing new systems to ease airport infestations of ‘gate lice.’ This pejorative term refers to passengers who throng boarding areas with only one goal in mind: to jump the line and get on the plane before their group or zone is announced. Their aim is to make sure their voluminous carry-on luggage finds prime overhead real estate and may, in some cases, lead to our next topic: ‘seat squatters.’ As airlines increasingly charge for checked luggage as well as for the privilege of boarding early or selecting a preferred seat, the term ‘gate lice’ came into use as early as 2010, but only recently has it become a major headache for airlines and a trending topic on Reddit.
The new detection systems, which are being rolled out nationwide, sound an alert when a passenger scans their boarding pass out of sequence, at which time they are directed to their appropriate place in the queue. We noticed this being enforced on a recent trip to Cabo when a young fellow decided his C boarding zone was just not good enough. Called out and redirected, he was second to the last person to board, to the snickers of most of the flight. I think his seat was actually IN the lavatory. It’s a two hour flight. Suck it up!
‘Aisle lice’ is a similar phenomenon only in reverse. You’ve all seen these passengers who treat deplaning like an Olympic sport. The second the seat belt sign dings, they catapult from their seats, tossing bags into the aisle as if claiming prime real estate, and shoulder their way through the orderly throng in an effort to be the first off the plane. Maybe they give out medals for this but, since I’ve never been first off a plane, I don’t know. I do know that I have frustrated some aisle athletes in my time by standing firmly entrenched until it’s our turn to mosey forward. Sorry, not sorry. If you’ve got a connecting flight with a short window of opportunity, let the flight attendant know in advance, and they will make sure you get priority offload. Otherwise sit the hell down and relax like the rest of us.
‘Seat squatters’ is another offshoot for folks who decide their assigned seat isn’t good enough and decide that your window or legroom seat is preferable. Sometimes it may be that they didn’t pay to sit with a family member (charging for that is despicable in itself) and want to sit with their person. Sometimes it works out that the displaced person whose seat you squatted is willing to forgo a battle for their rightful seat and is accommodated elsewhere, maybe in exchange for an upgrade or free drink. Sometimes not and it can get ugly, which is not the way to start a journey. Sit in the seat you paid for, and if there’s an opportunity, speak to the crew and see if something can be worked out to the satisfaction of all.
Finally, a brief nod to ‘speaker scum.’ These are the folks who listen to their electronic devices without benefit of headphones or earbuds, believing the rest of us are grateful to share their experience. Often times it’s kids playing video games unsupervised by a parental lifeform. But I’ve noticed an influx of this behavior with the advent of Wi-Fi with access to inflight movies. Oh darn, I can get a free movie but I forgot my earphones. Oh well, none of my neighbors within the next three rows will mind. YES WE DO!
United and others have added to their announcement asking passengers to silence devices or use headphones. Don’t worry; if you’ve forgotten your headphones you can request either a free pair (on some airlines) or pay a nominal fee to avoid the wrath of your neighbors.
Technically, the other passengers paid a lot of money, just like you, and have the right to do what they want, just like you. They can recline seats, take over arm rests, talk loudly, douse themselves in perfume, and even take off their shoes and stick their feet through the gap in the seats in front of them. Only jerks do these things. Don’t be a jerk. This has been a public service announcement.